Through My Tears....

I start this Blog through tears of pain... hurt...and disappointment...
I have laid myself out there once again to be struck down and broken in two... I have been brutally rejected...and let down time and time again...that is not to say that it isn't deserved...
But through all this I have to believe that there is more to all this... there IS a reason this is all happening... something is being worked out... God is moving... I can feel his everlasting presence surround me and telling me that He is VERY involved in the situation at hand...as much as I feel at times He is not... But He is!!!
God is disciplining me through His never changing, always there love...
I have to believe... No.... I choose to believe with all my heart that God is allowing me to hang on this tightly for some reason... He is allowing me to go through this horrible pain that I would never wish on a soul for a GREAT reason...
God is so active right now I can feel it... it is more intense than I have ever experienced before...
So, even though I sit here tonight with my tears and moans of anguish... I know that in time... in Gods time... I will be set free and will SOAR....

Surely it is for my benefit that I suffered such anguish
In your love you kept me from a pit of destruction
You put all my sins behind your back

Ever Present Pain

I feel as though I have made some major changes to my life and have learned so much in the past year... I have grown into a new person... i believe that I have changed for the better... I am no longer lost and confused... I am healthier and have a better understanding of what is important in life...The funny thing is... I feel more pain now, but with less confusion...
Before I felt like I had no idea why I was the way I was and I didn't know what I was doing... I was more lost than I ever believed I would feel...and I wasn't sure what to do to get out of the horrible place I had arrived at...
Now I have answers... I understand why I did what I did... I know what I need and what I want... I know that God is here and that He must be my First in my life... I know that I can no longer be ashamed for what I did... I have tried ALL I can to make it right and everything else is out of my hands... I cannot control those around me and I cannot make those who are gone appear again...
Here is my dilemma at this moment... I still hurt so badly... even though I have come so far... the pain that I have caused for myself (because of my own selfishness) is still ever present... I pray and wait for the day when it isn't so strong... But then I wonder... is God trying to teach me something more through this pain?? Am I still supposed to be realizing something more???
This familiar hurting is so much apart of me... and I so badly don't want it to be... I don't want to pretend to be happy or content... I really do want to be...
I deserve every bit of all this... but it sure would be nice to catch a break....

Dear God,

I am at a place where I cant seem to find my way... I don't know what I am supposed to do next...
I hate feeling this way, and I hate no being able to let go... Am I supposed to continue to hang on? Am I supposed to live my life waiting and hoping for something that may never happen?
When is it that this will be over? When do I get the chance to look back and see where I have finally arrived? when I get to see my journey in full and understand all my pain and anguish?
I keep repeating your words God in Isaiah 38:17, it says, "Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from a pit of destruction..." I know full well that my suffering is leading me to my own betterment... but can I ask when will I recover? when will I see the benefits?
I love you... I know that you want what is best for me and you know what I need and I want nothing less... I am just hurting now Lord and I need your comfort... I need to see where I am going... But regardless of what happens I am here to follow you whether it is to the ends of the earth or just around the corner...
Just remember my heart God... it is hurting so badly Amen.

Goodbye... For Now...or Forever...

I have so many people in my life who lift me up... who help me find hope in all the small wonderful things God has blessed me with...all the things He has given me and ALL He has taken away...
Someone amazing in my life told me that I have been "painfully pruned" and that I am beginning to blossom...
I hope so...I am absolutely ready to blossom... I am ready for what lies ahead...there are many things I hope are in my future, but I am also aware that there may be a few things that are not...as painful as it may be to let those things go, I know I can do it...If God has taken them away...there must be a reason...
I truly pray that what has been removed, due to my own selfishness, will flourish and succeed beyond all that was planned... I hope and pray that many blessings fall upon them and God leads their lives to places where they can do His work...
I will continue to move on... I will continue to step forward... no turning back... no standing still... I will no longer grieve the loss...but instead rejoice in it, for if God removed it ... that is what was intended...and if he didn't remove it he will restore it...For God is a God of restoration...and I KNOW that what is in store for the rest of my life in Greatness... I KNOW that God is going to take me to the ends of the earth to do his work... and I am ready... For God did not give me a spirit of timidity but instead gave me a spirit of POWER of LOVE and of SELF DISCIPLINE!

HUH?

I don't know what God is trying to teach me...I do not know why I am on the path that I am...I cannot seem to figure out what is going on...?
It takes all I have inside not to be angry, not to feel cheated out of something great....
what is it that I am suppose to learn in this season of my life?
I know what I want for myself, but I am fully aware that I don't know what I need...
But what if what I want and what I need, I can no longer attain? What then?
where do we go from there?
they say we are to trust God with everything...give it up to him...but how do we do that without being scared out of our minds? How do I trust him without constantly worrying about what may or may not ever happen?

What Is Left...Isnt Worth Much...

How do you move forward in life away from something you are still clinging to so tightly... how do you let go when all you want to do is hang on and hope that somehow ... someway ... you get to keep all that you threw away in a moment or selfishness.... how is this even forgivable...
I don't deserve what my heart so badly desires...But I also feel like I deserve to move on... I don't want to do this anymore... up and down... side to side... I have been thrown around like a rag doll... I cant do it anymore....I am tired...
when does this all end...I want to feel whole again...I want to be a complete person... because what is left at this point isn't worth giving to another person... who is going to take what is left? I don't even want what is left...

To Fail Is To Live...Life Equals Risk

So I have decided that I have to stop thinking about what could have been or the possibility that I may have made a bad decision... it isn't helping me to move forward or to become a better person...it isn't allowing me to open up to others and build new relationships... why would I want to hinder myself from experiencing life... who wants to mope around wishing things were different... I have to make things different... I need to make a decision... I will move forward...
I am not sure exactly how to do this...but I do know that it is possible...
I have to choose to take a deep breath and smile.... I have to choose to wait and be patient... and I have to choose to take a step forward everyday...
There are going to be days that are more difficult than others... i know this...but I am OK with that... I truly believe that God puts us in situations and trials so that He can move us to where we need to be...
Last week I heard someone brilliant say, "To fail is to live.. life equals risk". I find peace in this...i am here where I am now, for a reason... what that is I do not know... but I am determined to stick it out and wait... for I know that God's hand will rescue me... not because I deserve it, but because He loves me...