I have such joy in my heart...earlier today i was feeling down...and God just took that situation and turned it into something amazing...I am not even sure how...haha...it is just one of those moments where He has just set me free and allowed me yet another chance to learn from my decisions...
Why are we so lucky that we are given chance after chance and still He shows such amazing mercy and grace? I am all smiles for today... I wish for everyone to experience His joy and love...who would want to miss out on that?
My Journey
Here are the thoughts, fears and lessons that I am experiencing everyday... This is me being transparent to anyone and everyone... This is my journey... my stories...during a time of suffering...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
We All Fall
I hate these moments when I feel like I have been doing pretty good....going along and being fairly satisfied with my world around me, and then someone calls you out...it is as the clouds part and you see for the first time, that maybe all your decisions weren't so good and that maybe it is time to straighten up...
I really do try daily to be the person that I am supposed to be...I feel like I am constantly seeking out God's will for my life and praying for healing and restoration.
But there are those places that I go that maybe i do not act the way I should or portray the person that I truly am....and that saddens me...
I am glad that God places certain people in my life that are able to call me out when I don't want to be... because if those people were not around I wouldn't be able to stop and make a change...
So i want to say, thank you God for all the amazing people I have surrounding me and thank you so much for allowing them to show me where I still need to grow and heal...
I really do try daily to be the person that I am supposed to be...I feel like I am constantly seeking out God's will for my life and praying for healing and restoration.
But there are those places that I go that maybe i do not act the way I should or portray the person that I truly am....and that saddens me...
I am glad that God places certain people in my life that are able to call me out when I don't want to be... because if those people were not around I wouldn't be able to stop and make a change...
So i want to say, thank you God for all the amazing people I have surrounding me and thank you so much for allowing them to show me where I still need to grow and heal...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Enough!
So here is my moment to feel sorry for myself....and let me just say first that I really hate when other people feel sorry for themselves...so I am disgusted by me right now...
OK so here it goes...
I am sick and tired of my life sucking right now...it has been too long...I don't think I can do this anymore...I mean, how much longer must I serve this sentence - Yes, I made a mistake...OK, mistakes...and Yes, I deserve all of this, but when is enough, enough???
Why do I have to feel like this? Why must I feel so alone, judged, and heartbroken? When will this be all over? WHY ME???
ahhh Yes...I think that I only have to look to myself for these answers...I made certain decisions that created natural consequences....
I find myself asking these questions so many times throughout the weeks, when I suddenly realize that this is only happening because I have caused it to happen...but then I am lead to these questions...
I am sorry, and I have repented...so when do i become free of these consequences? When is it that I am through this? When will I see the light?
I do trust God, with all my heart...but I still am afraid and uncertain of what is gong to happen...
OK so here it goes...
I am sick and tired of my life sucking right now...it has been too long...I don't think I can do this anymore...I mean, how much longer must I serve this sentence - Yes, I made a mistake...OK, mistakes...and Yes, I deserve all of this, but when is enough, enough???
Why do I have to feel like this? Why must I feel so alone, judged, and heartbroken? When will this be all over? WHY ME???
ahhh Yes...I think that I only have to look to myself for these answers...I made certain decisions that created natural consequences....
I find myself asking these questions so many times throughout the weeks, when I suddenly realize that this is only happening because I have caused it to happen...but then I am lead to these questions...
I am sorry, and I have repented...so when do i become free of these consequences? When is it that I am through this? When will I see the light?
I do trust God, with all my heart...but I still am afraid and uncertain of what is gong to happen...
Monday, March 10, 2008
My Happiness
As I was reading before going to bed I thought of something that brought light to my life that I haven't had before...
I think that maybe, in all of this pain and anguish, I have found true happiness...
what I mean is...God has brought me to this place at this time for a reason...what if that reason was to simply find my own happiness. This happiness is not sought out through others, or through money, but through a relationship with God. It is strange to think about, but I am the most miserable I have ever been...but I am also the most solid in Christ that I have ever been...(that is not to say I make the best decisions all the time)...
It is like something has just hit me right smack dab in the middle of my forehead...like God is telling me...no God is yelling it at me, ' I am hear for you, I am your happiness....stop searching for it, I have it hear for you...you just have to take it.'
So in this I have found a smile for my day...maybe my misery is what i needed to find my own true happiness...
I think that maybe, in all of this pain and anguish, I have found true happiness...
what I mean is...God has brought me to this place at this time for a reason...what if that reason was to simply find my own happiness. This happiness is not sought out through others, or through money, but through a relationship with God. It is strange to think about, but I am the most miserable I have ever been...but I am also the most solid in Christ that I have ever been...(that is not to say I make the best decisions all the time)...
It is like something has just hit me right smack dab in the middle of my forehead...like God is telling me...no God is yelling it at me, ' I am hear for you, I am your happiness....stop searching for it, I have it hear for you...you just have to take it.'
So in this I have found a smile for my day...maybe my misery is what i needed to find my own true happiness...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Moments
There are moments in our lives when we look back at what we have done...maybe from the night before or maybe months ago...and we ask our selves, 'What the crap was I thinking??!!' I am definitely having one of those moments.
I feel as though I am trying to live God's way ... but only half way...does that make sense?
I am more involved than I have been the past few months and I do my daily devotionals...but that cannot be all that I do. God asks so much more of me...and he deserves more. I have been given chance after chance to make things right and I continually let Him down...I know that in this life we will have hard times, and I know that I will have many more falls...hopefully my many more falls won't be so painful...but then again I guess that just depends on my decisions today...because our decisions that we make in the moment are the decisions that may change our entire life...In one split second we can alter our future...maybe it is for the best...or maybe not....regardless of what situation I find myself in I have to remind myself that God can make any bad decision or situation positive...He is SO great and SO amazing that no matter where we find ourselves... He can use it for His glory...and in that I find my peace so that I may move on and not dwell on my past falls, failures and hurts....but instead rejoice in all He has given me and all He has done....
You will help me, LORD God, and keep me from falling - Psalm 54:4
I have no strength left, God. Lift me up and give me new hope as I place my trust in you...Amen
I feel as though I am trying to live God's way ... but only half way...does that make sense?
I am more involved than I have been the past few months and I do my daily devotionals...but that cannot be all that I do. God asks so much more of me...and he deserves more. I have been given chance after chance to make things right and I continually let Him down...I know that in this life we will have hard times, and I know that I will have many more falls...hopefully my many more falls won't be so painful...but then again I guess that just depends on my decisions today...because our decisions that we make in the moment are the decisions that may change our entire life...In one split second we can alter our future...maybe it is for the best...or maybe not....regardless of what situation I find myself in I have to remind myself that God can make any bad decision or situation positive...He is SO great and SO amazing that no matter where we find ourselves... He can use it for His glory...and in that I find my peace so that I may move on and not dwell on my past falls, failures and hurts....but instead rejoice in all He has given me and all He has done....
You will help me, LORD God, and keep me from falling - Psalm 54:4
I have no strength left, God. Lift me up and give me new hope as I place my trust in you...Amen
Saturday, March 1, 2008
How Long Must I Wait?
There are so many days throughout the week that I can sense God's presence and Hope in my heart. Yet, there are those few days... those days that may as well be a week... that I find myself asking, 'how much longer must I wait for this pain in my heart to go away?'
I know that God has an amazing plan for my life...I know that God will take care of me through every obstacle that I face....but when will I get to the point where I can go outside, take a deep breath and smile?
I know that I must endure the consequences of my actions...I deserve every bit of all this...but a day like today I just want to throw up my hands and say, 'ENOUGH! I can't do this anymore...It hurts too bad.'
So I guess the meaning of writing this would be to say...that even though this is the hardest thing I have ever done...I will continue to put my hope in Him...I will continue to walk this path, because I know that it leads to somewhere so great that I cannot begin to understand....I also want to ask that if for some reason you come across this post and find it worthy enough to read ...pray....pray for protection and understanding, because both of those I so desperately need.
I know that God has an amazing plan for my life...I know that God will take care of me through every obstacle that I face....but when will I get to the point where I can go outside, take a deep breath and smile?
I know that I must endure the consequences of my actions...I deserve every bit of all this...but a day like today I just want to throw up my hands and say, 'ENOUGH! I can't do this anymore...It hurts too bad.'
So I guess the meaning of writing this would be to say...that even though this is the hardest thing I have ever done...I will continue to put my hope in Him...I will continue to walk this path, because I know that it leads to somewhere so great that I cannot begin to understand....I also want to ask that if for some reason you come across this post and find it worthy enough to read ...pray....pray for protection and understanding, because both of those I so desperately need.
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