HUH?

I don't know what God is trying to teach me...I do not know why I am on the path that I am...I cannot seem to figure out what is going on...?
It takes all I have inside not to be angry, not to feel cheated out of something great....
what is it that I am suppose to learn in this season of my life?
I know what I want for myself, but I am fully aware that I don't know what I need...
But what if what I want and what I need, I can no longer attain? What then?
where do we go from there?
they say we are to trust God with everything...give it up to him...but how do we do that without being scared out of our minds? How do I trust him without constantly worrying about what may or may not ever happen?

What Is Left...Isnt Worth Much...

How do you move forward in life away from something you are still clinging to so tightly... how do you let go when all you want to do is hang on and hope that somehow ... someway ... you get to keep all that you threw away in a moment or selfishness.... how is this even forgivable...
I don't deserve what my heart so badly desires...But I also feel like I deserve to move on... I don't want to do this anymore... up and down... side to side... I have been thrown around like a rag doll... I cant do it anymore....I am tired...
when does this all end...I want to feel whole again...I want to be a complete person... because what is left at this point isn't worth giving to another person... who is going to take what is left? I don't even want what is left...

To Fail Is To Live...Life Equals Risk

So I have decided that I have to stop thinking about what could have been or the possibility that I may have made a bad decision... it isn't helping me to move forward or to become a better person...it isn't allowing me to open up to others and build new relationships... why would I want to hinder myself from experiencing life... who wants to mope around wishing things were different... I have to make things different... I need to make a decision... I will move forward...
I am not sure exactly how to do this...but I do know that it is possible...
I have to choose to take a deep breath and smile.... I have to choose to wait and be patient... and I have to choose to take a step forward everyday...
There are going to be days that are more difficult than others... i know this...but I am OK with that... I truly believe that God puts us in situations and trials so that He can move us to where we need to be...
Last week I heard someone brilliant say, "To fail is to live.. life equals risk". I find peace in this...i am here where I am now, for a reason... what that is I do not know... but I am determined to stick it out and wait... for I know that God's hand will rescue me... not because I deserve it, but because He loves me...

Is The Ride Over Yet?

I am choosing in this moment to trust... to trust in God, that He will guide me to where I need to be at the end of this road....where ever that may be ....
I have a hard time understanding why I am where I am... looking back, this isn't where I thought I would be... I am not saying that is a bad thing... it is just that I had different plans... I am lowly learning that MY plans were not what was intended for me...
I feel like I am in a waiting period...I feel as though I am just sitting watching everyone else succeed and accomplish things while I am just standing still waiting for SOMETHING....I don't even know what that something is....
It seems like i should be moving forward... but instead I am on hold...waiting for the "GO" ...
I want to be able to shake this darkness that I feel i carry around with me where ever I go.... but I cant seem to... no matter how hard I try.... fake smiles...fake laughter...I don't want to be fake...
I want to be content with where I am ...nothing more...
I don't want to spend forever in the dark... I want to live... I want to love... I want to look back and see all that I have learned in the past year...I want to be out of this storm...
My mind and body are tired... I WILL keep going... but when this ride is over I will be more than happy to get off...